• My grandma never defends me. It’s like when I have a problem or an issue that I’m dealing with, it’s always my fault. Or it’s completely insignificant because it has nothing to do with her specifically. And when it does have something to do with her, it’s “ridiculous that I feel that way”.
• My sister constantly picks her friends over me. I’m always the back-up plan when she has no one to talk to or hang out with.
• My grandpa always gives me dirty looks when I try to talk to them about my problems, or things that bother me. My problems are never taken seriously.
• Everyone is always pissed off at me all the time. This, even if I’m in a good mood, just makes me feel as worthless as I ever have felt. Nothing is ever going to change, either. It’s always going to be this way.
• My grandma doesn’t even like having me around. She resents that I’m here, and she always is jealous of any attention that I get from my grandma or really anyone that is around, so she does her best to make sure that I don’t get that attention, or that the attention that I do get is negative and makes me feel bad.
• They all say bad things about me when I’m not around, when they think I’m not around, or when they think that I can’t hear what they’re saying. But I’m not stupid. I know what they’re saying, and I know what they think and what they think they know about me. But they have no idea. Because they don’t care to know what’s really going on with me.
• My maternal grandmother never listens to anything that I say. The TV is always more important to her, whether it be a game that she’s playing that she could play any time, or she’s watching a show that she has recorded and could either pause, or watch at another time. Those things will always be there, but I won’t.
• My cousins and one of my mom's sisters only treat me like I matter if they want me to do something for them, or if they think that I’ll let them use something of mine that they wouldn’t be able to use if they were treating me the way that they always do.
Friday, December 3, 2010
Sunday, November 14, 2010
Who's to say we're not good enough?
What do you do, really, when you start to realize that the people who used to depend on you for whatever reason just don't need you in their lives anymore?
What do you do when those people are your friends and your family?
How do you cope with the feeling of worthlessness?
I spent a lot of time thinking about this, myself. And quite honestly, I felt that I needed to somehow write it all down so that I wouldn't lose track of my thoughts, or of myself. But, lacking a pen or a sheet of paper, my fingers brought me here. Who knows why? The only thing I really know for sure is that somewhere among my scattered thoughts, were these words.
I sometimes wish that up until now, my life had gone as planned. And I don't know if God planned this all for me or not. The hopelessness. The heartache. The nights I've spent crying myself to sleep. But if He did, I guess He probably has his reasons.
Living life this way hasn't been easy. And I honestly know that I haven't made any of it easier on myself, with the decisions I've made in the past. But even now that I'm trying so hard to just be better, I know that it's too late.
I can't help but feel like I'm lost in this world. I'm almost nineteen years old and I have nothing in this world, anymore. Nothing to keep me going. I'm here right now, but as my grandma sleeps on and the silence in this house keeps me up late tonight, I'm slowly starting to realize that I don't have anyplace that's mine anymore. No home. No place that I belong.
My sister, so beautiful, has moved on in her life. She doesn't need me like she used to. And I feel that she's slipping away even further, in the sense that she doesn't want me in her life anymore. And it's not just her. It's everyone. I cause too many problems. I make everything harder because I don't feel secure enough in myself to just go with the flow and let life happen.
So where do I go? What do I do? Who am I? Why am I here? These questions have been haunting me for quite sometime.
Part of me thinks that maybe they always will.
What do you do when those people are your friends and your family?
How do you cope with the feeling of worthlessness?
I spent a lot of time thinking about this, myself. And quite honestly, I felt that I needed to somehow write it all down so that I wouldn't lose track of my thoughts, or of myself. But, lacking a pen or a sheet of paper, my fingers brought me here. Who knows why? The only thing I really know for sure is that somewhere among my scattered thoughts, were these words.
I sometimes wish that up until now, my life had gone as planned. And I don't know if God planned this all for me or not. The hopelessness. The heartache. The nights I've spent crying myself to sleep. But if He did, I guess He probably has his reasons.
Living life this way hasn't been easy. And I honestly know that I haven't made any of it easier on myself, with the decisions I've made in the past. But even now that I'm trying so hard to just be better, I know that it's too late.
I can't help but feel like I'm lost in this world. I'm almost nineteen years old and I have nothing in this world, anymore. Nothing to keep me going. I'm here right now, but as my grandma sleeps on and the silence in this house keeps me up late tonight, I'm slowly starting to realize that I don't have anyplace that's mine anymore. No home. No place that I belong.
My sister, so beautiful, has moved on in her life. She doesn't need me like she used to. And I feel that she's slipping away even further, in the sense that she doesn't want me in her life anymore. And it's not just her. It's everyone. I cause too many problems. I make everything harder because I don't feel secure enough in myself to just go with the flow and let life happen.
So where do I go? What do I do? Who am I? Why am I here? These questions have been haunting me for quite sometime.
Part of me thinks that maybe they always will.
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