What do you do, really, when you start to realize that the people who used to depend on you for whatever reason just don't need you in their lives anymore?
What do you do when those people are your friends and your family?
How do you cope with the feeling of worthlessness?
I spent a lot of time thinking about this, myself. And quite honestly, I felt that I needed to somehow write it all down so that I wouldn't lose track of my thoughts, or of myself. But, lacking a pen or a sheet of paper, my fingers brought me here. Who knows why? The only thing I really know for sure is that somewhere among my scattered thoughts, were these words.
I sometimes wish that up until now, my life had gone as planned. And I don't know if God planned this all for me or not. The hopelessness. The heartache. The nights I've spent crying myself to sleep. But if He did, I guess He probably has his reasons.
Living life this way hasn't been easy. And I honestly know that I haven't made any of it easier on myself, with the decisions I've made in the past. But even now that I'm trying so hard to just be better, I know that it's too late.
I can't help but feel like I'm lost in this world. I'm almost nineteen years old and I have nothing in this world, anymore. Nothing to keep me going. I'm here right now, but as my grandma sleeps on and the silence in this house keeps me up late tonight, I'm slowly starting to realize that I don't have anyplace that's mine anymore. No home. No place that I belong.
My sister, so beautiful, has moved on in her life. She doesn't need me like she used to. And I feel that she's slipping away even further, in the sense that she doesn't want me in her life anymore. And it's not just her. It's everyone. I cause too many problems. I make everything harder because I don't feel secure enough in myself to just go with the flow and let life happen.
So where do I go? What do I do? Who am I? Why am I here? These questions have been haunting me for quite sometime.
Part of me thinks that maybe they always will.
